1. 31 Days of Horror - Day 21: Jug Face

    I watched this movie at the request of fellow Brain Eater and all around awesome person Halle Kiefer because she wanted to know if she should watch it. The answer is yes, check out this movie.

    I may be tired of the “woman punished for being a woman” storyline but I’m never tired of the “backwards people believe stupid shit” one because I have specifics tastes and those tastes involve hicks worshipping a mud pit in the middle of nowhere.

    There’s also a very sweet dumb guy who makes jug faces of the people the pit wants sacrificed. And Sean Young’s in it! That’s also very much in line with my tastes. 

    I haven’t seen a backwoods horror in a while and it was a nice break from all the group of strangers face a monster films I’ve watched this month. A little rough around the edges but I recommend it.

    3.5 out of 5 jug faces

     
  2. 31 Days of Horror - Day 20: 13 Nights of Elvira 

    Elvira is back! From now until Halloween she’ll be hosting movies on Hulu. The first night was Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death which is not a horror movie (I don’t know what it is) but I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to see an Elvira reboot.

    Between this, Rifftrax, and Cinematic Titanic all they need to do is resurrect MonsterVision and then I’ll never have to grow up or admit the world is different now.

    The format is basically pop-up video style with Elvira “tweets” appearing at comedic moments. Sometimes a greenscreen Elvira will show up and interact with the film. It’s distractingly large, but who cares because it’s Elvira and why else would you be watching anyway? I just wish there were more jokes. It was not enough to seem on purpose and I found myself forgetting that they were even going to happen.

    Tonight’s movie is Puppetmaster and I’m going to find it very hard not to just watch these for the next 12 days.

    5 out of 5 homecomings

     
  3. 31 Days of Horror - Day 19: Inferno 

    Rounding out the Argento films I haven’t seen is Inferno from 1980. I didn’t realize until after watching it that it’s meant to be a companion to Suspiria and part of the Three Mothers trilogy. I don’t think knowing that would have helped me understand it anymore.

    From what I gather, there’s a house in New York that’s haunted by one of these mothers and it means a lot of people end up dying due to shattered glass, swarms and fires. So in that way, it is pretty thematically similar to Argento’s other films.

    It was, however, incredibly hard to follow and not nearly as entertaining as the rest of his films. I guess I should watch The Mother of Tears now to finish off the Trilogy but I think I’ll wait till next year’s 31 Days of Horror for that level of disappointment. 

    2 out 5 cat attacks

     
  4. 31 Days of Horror - Day 18: Annabelle

    I don’t even know what to say about Annabelle. It was just so…whatever. It’s directed by the DP of the Conjuring which means the producers didn’t even care about it. “Hey, should we even bother getting a director for this prequel?” “Nah, we’ll just have the DP do it.”

    The only thing these movies have going for them are the jumps which you can usually see coming from a mile away.  The ones in Annabelle are coming from so many miles away that you’ve already imagined a million better scares by the time the lazy one finally lands.

    Also, the main actress’s real name is Annabelle. That’s weird, right? “Hey, who should we get to star in this film?” “I don’t know. Find someone named Annabelle and let’s go to lunch.”

    The only insane thing about this movie is that the main characters attend the same church in Pasadena that they did in Santa Monica. No way in hell would they make that commute.

    I don’t know why I keep seeing anything attached to James Wan. Probably some deep-seated hatred for myself and the fact that he’s the only person releasing major horror films.

     
  5. 31 Days of Horror - Day 17: Opera

    Dario Argento really has a vision and goes for it. Most people’s end product always falls shy of what they’ve imagined. But I get the impression that Argento is creating exactly what he wants to create and that makes me incredibly jealous.

    This film is art. Bloody, violent art, but beautiful none the less. Some of the scenes are so impressive that I wish non-horror films would be as ambitious in their shots. One in particular, a bird’s eye view as it circles the opera house, is so fluid that I can’t imagine how it was done in 1987.

    But if I had to rank the films I’ve seen in order of preference, I’d say Suspira, Tenebre, Phenomena, then Opera. This also happens to be the chronological order of his films, which I don’t think is a coincidence. Opera is the most commercially successful out of the four but it is also happens to be the least interesting visually and story-wise. It may make for a more digestible movie, but it took a lot of the fun away.

    And by more digestible, I’m by no means implying that it made sense. Opera is still very Argento in that way. Without giving away the ending, I want to quote the last lines in the movie. 

    "I no longer wanted to see anybody. I wanted to escape all together because I’m different. I don’t even vaguely resemble others, any of them. I like the wind, butterflies, flowers, leaves, insects, the rain, clouds."

    And that’s it. That’s the last thing the heroine says. Before letting a lizard go free. And believe me, it doesn’t make any more sense if you’ve seen the film. But I still like the quote and will use it in my daily life.

    4.5 out of 5 needle eye masks

     
  6. 31 Days of Horror - Day 16: Audrey Rose

    Interesting take on the child possession genre. Instead of being possessed by a demon, Ivy is possessed by the soul of Audrey Rose, another little girl who died on the day she was born.

    I guess the horror here is that eastern religions are weird and scary? It was interesting on a psychological level but it’s hard to get frightened over the idea of reincarnation. The whole point of reincarnation is to no longer be afraid of death. So maybe next time just stick with a demon.

    3 out of 5 burning snowmen

     
  7. braineaterstv:

    Animals. Are they getting too smart? This week we discuss spiders that can fish, apes that can plan ahead and the impending dolphin take over.

    SPIDERS ARE CATCHING FISH WITH THEIR BARE SPIDER HANDS!!!!

     
     
  8. 31 Days of Horror - Day 15: Evil Bong

    What is there to say about a movie called Evil Bong except don’t see this movie. I’m really surprised Charles Band was willing to lend his name to this. I mean he did Trancers. Trancers!

    The idea of a possessed bong from New Orleans being sold to a bunch of dumb stoners after the previous owner died is not a bad premise for a horror movie. But they don’t do anything with it. It’s shot entirely in two rooms. One, the room they smoke the bong in. And two, the strip club that they go to when they smoke the bong. Good on them for keeping this bad boy under a budget of $5 dollars, but a third room would have gone a long way towards not making this suck so much.

    The evil bong has only one trick up it’s sleeve. It sends each of the stoners to a strip club to be killed by a stripper who was initially turning them on. What a bummer, man! Maybe it’s because I’m not a jock stoner but does weed really take everyone single person to a strip club in their mind? Shouldn’t there be some sort of variety to the ways in which an evil bong kills people?

    But hey, this movie has two sequels so what the hell do I know? That’s right, two sequels. Evil Bong 2: King Bong and Evil Bong 3D: Wrath of Bong. I get what these guys are doing and it’s clearly working on some level. I just wish they had tried 10% harder and made something actually campy and fun and not something so completely lazy that it seems like a waste of a name. A name like Evil Bong.

    I guess what I’m saying is follow your dreams because apparently anything is possible. If this terrible film has 2 sequels to it, then whatever dumb project you’re thinking up in your head is absolutely worth doing.

    0 out of 5 evil bongs

     
  9. 31 Days of Horror - Day 14: Watching with Friends - Sinister

    I watched this movie with funnyman zachbroussard whose only request was that we watch something new. I refused to watch Insidious 2 so we settled on Sinister.

    In this movie, Ethan Hawke’s character from Reality Bites is all grown up and living his dream of being a negligent father and husband. He moves his family into a crime scene so he can write his next novel. Turns out there’s a juggalo living there who wants his children. Instead of just leaving some Faygo out for him he moves his family back home which prompts the curse of the juggalo to be complete.

    There’s very few “new” horror movies I can get into. They’re too glossy and into themselves for me. But this is the first movie I’ve seen this month that actually scared me beyond an initial jump. The thought of juggalos living in your yard will do that.

    3 out of 5 Death Metal Face Paint

     
  10. 31 Days of Horror - Day 13: Watching with Friends - Candyman

    I watched day 13’s film with my good friend and awesome science writer Calla Cofield. She requested Candyman which I haven’t seen since high school. I remember it being some cheesy thing that I lumped in with Hellraiser and whatever other popular 90s series were going on at the time.

    I remembered it totally wrong. What a weird, interesting film this is. It’s like they filled up a whiteboard with a bunch of scary things and combined them into a movie. “Okay, we got bees, mirrors, empty bathroom stalls, the projects, black people, being wrongly accused of a crime, affairs, baby abductions, hook hands, what can you do with that?” “Oooooh, I’ve got something.”

    I’ve haven’t seen the two sequels, but now I’m interested. I want to see where this bizarre relationship goes. I’m mean if it’s always been Helen, what’s domestic life look like for her and Candyman?

    4 out of 5 Sweets